Sunday, June 24, 2007

Today

Many people have warned me how hard these coming weeks would be but never did I realize how hard it truly was going to be. Lately I am close to tears each morning and it takes me a few hours to get myself together so entering the church I had not had time to compose myself and get my thoughts together. Then upon sitting down and opening the church bulletin what did I see the July Calendar with all the July birthdays. What struck me and caused a rush/flood of emotion was the empty spot of Corbin's Name in those July birthdays. Realization of the finality of his death hits once again. The ability to wipe a name off our calendar in one moment. A day and time I, and I pray that my family, will never forget but one that is easily erased from existance of all others. In one moment I realize where we are at and why were are here one year later. Barely able to breath and almost to the point of panic I left the church to regain my composure. I ask myself will these moments slow down and not affect me so. Then I cry harder to realize that then that would mean that it would be many years that I would have last seen my son. The empty ache in my arms overwhelms me and makes me feel like I have lead for limbs. With a rawness and ache so deeply we come upon the time when we had to say goodbye to Corbin. This time last year I was numb this year I am an open wound bleeding freely and not sure how to stop the blood loss.
How I miss him.
Terri

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Terri,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for sharing Corbin with us. And thank you for the fun run, which has made me put on my running shoes once again. I think the 1 mile will be a huge accomplishment for my daughter and me (she leading in her shiny red jogging stroller while I pound the path in her shadow). My husband is the avid runner in our family. He's registering for the 5 mile run. He hasn't run in ages either. Not since before our story with CHD began.

We said goodbye in September to our son, who also had HLHS. Corbin's Run gives me a tangible effort in which to direct my (ever present, most physical) grief. This race brings the reminder of hope.

I'm so sorry about Corbin. I'm sorry his name wasn't still on that church bulletin calendar. I'm sorry he isn't blowing out candles this month. He probably would be getting pretty good at it by now.

And I'm sad to hear that grief doesn't get easier as time goes on (not that I really expect it to), though I'm glad to hear that you haven't forgotten. I don't want to forget. Please, may I not forget.

My thoughts are with you as both Corbin's birthday and the race day grow nigh. May grace continue to uplift you and be a source for strength. May you grow in the capacity to celebrate and remember goodness. And may you laugh from the belly at least once on these 2 special days. These are my wishes for you.

Thank you again.
Stacy

Terri and Fam said...

Stacy,
Please please email me with your son's photo. I really want him included in this. Thank you for your note.

tgrabb@cox.net

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